Ghost Poop: The Struggles of Buying a Unique Birthday Gift for a Cool Kid

Erma Pittsy

I bought a baby some poop for his first birthday. Since I can feel you judging me already, Let me offer the following points of clarification:

First of all, I didn’t buy it for him, I bought it for a nice lady in the Philippines who was in danger of losing her farm because she couldn’t afford fertilizer. The baby wouldn’t actually receive the gift in the traditional sense, but he would however become the bi-product (see how much fun that is?) for all of the amazing excrement related punnery happening in my brain as a result. As I sipped wine in my pj’s on my couch happily humming, “Happy Birthday to you, I bought you some poo.” I imagined my gift making a pretty big splash. Whoever said you shouldn’t drink wine and Amazon Prime, drastically underestimated the array of shenanigans one can embroil themselves in without nary a shopping cart in sight, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Secondly, I originally wanted to buy him a cow. Okay, wait. Strike that. Originally I wanted to buy him a book, but after a quick check in with his mom:


She poo-pooed that idea:


Well crap.

Undeterred. I pushed on. So if you can’t buy a baby a book, of course the next logical thing is a drone.


At this point, I was feeling pretty limited and being the friend that I am, I shared my feelings and asked for help:


Game on. Three hours, a couple of Google searches for “non-traditional first birthday gifts” and a half a glass of cupcake later, I was surfing Kiva for livestock.  I mean, what’s cooler than buying your friend’s son a cow for his birthday? Nothing that’s what. Alas, she didn’t feel the same way.


Luckily, as it turns out, cows are expensive, even crowdfunded ones.


Fertilizer on the other hand, was within my budget. Markedly less cool than a cow, however the jokes practically come out on their own. I should add that this kid’s parents are absolutely without a doubt a couple of the most fiercely awesome people on the planet. Seriously, the ripple effect coming from these folks is pretty phenomenal. Which posed the crux of my dilemma. It was my doodie as a good friend to have my gift that celebrating their first baby’s inaugural trip around the sun make a big splash.

So I set to work and I made my purchase, but as it turns out I actually couldn’t give a baby poop on his first birthday.

I bought him a book instead.