Ending Bed-Sharing: One Wild Night in my Mind

Kori Lyons

Recently, we have been trying to teach our three year old to sleep in her nice, safe, warm room. Unfortunately for us, this is an uphill battle, as the rest of the family (mom, dad, baby brother) all sleep in the same room, and she naturally wants to be with the rest of us. Every time she comes into our room to sleep, we are to walk her back to her room and sit with her until she’s ready to sleep on her own. Here is my stream of consciousness as we go through this process.

Why did I decide to do this now? I could be sleeping. Is it really that bad if she sleeps in our room for another night?

Why did I think the radio would help? She knows all these songs.

Oh god, she wants me to sing this Blake Shelton song to her. This is a Miranda family, dammit.

His music really has sucked since their divorce. Also what the hell was that surprise divorce? It’s like neither of them even listened to Mine Would Be You. That video made me cry.

Oh now we have to discuss her birthday cake from last August. Well, at least it made an impression, I guess.

Oh man, this Jason Aldean song is really bad. And she knows all the words. I should check my parenting.

Why did I think the country station was a good idea? Every song so far has been “my song, your song, daddy’s song”.

I guess The Lumineers station wasn’t much better. All the songs were “Mimi’s song.” And she knew all of the words to everything because her mom is formerly a pretentious hipster.

Are her eyes permanently glued open? What’s with all the rolling?

Oh of course we need water. Then again, 1:45 am is the best time to drink. Closing time.

Why do I go through all the trouble of locating a matching cup and lid for the sippy cups she doesn’t even drink out of when I know she not going to drink any of it? It’s just going to sit on her windowsill until I remember to put it in the sink.

Did she seriously just complain that Luke Bryan is on again? Does she even realize how many times over the last month I’ve had to listen to that stupid “sunrise sunburn sunset repeat” song?

Oh, so now we have to sing that song over this song. Nooooooo

I’m so tired. Why doesn’t she take my monster voice more seriously?

Hmm maybe I’m going the wrong way with this “everything is okay” route. Maybe if I convince her there are monsters that can only be conquered with sleep, she’ll go to bed.

Is it really that bad if she and the baby wake each other up? I mean it sucks when she’s up at 5:30 but at least I’m not sitting in her room for an hour.

Oh, it’s Justin Moore. Haven’t heard from him in a while. I wonder what’s under the hat.

Googling… and… oh. Wow. Definitely not as attractive as the album cover makes him out to be.

Oh, wow, he’s actually much more handsome when he hasn’t shaved.
Oh wow is that him??? He’s actually really- oh that’s Thomas Rhett. Duh.

Should I change the station? Or just leave?

Do you think she’d let me tag in her dad? But he’d just fall asleep in here and that wouldn’t help.

How does she know exactly where Ms. Tracy is? This house is a wreck.

I wonder if this chaos is actually some kind of organized system she’s devised. It would explain why the mess comes back the second I get it cleaned up.

Oh no, I have to pee. Is this going to completely undo all the progress we’ve made?

Have we made progress? She’s definitely not asleep.

I’m just going to hold it.

Why does she have a piggy bank? It’s not like she’s ever used it. I don’t even think it has a bottom at this point.

Then again if we’re getting rid of things that never get used we’d have to get rid of my jeans, my dresses, my makeup, my hair product…. Everything but my tank tops and leggings

Oh my goddd! Why is she sitting up?

I’m about to give up. I have a sick newborn. I need my sleep.

Did she just ask for YouTube? Does she think this is a time for requests? No way, Kiddo. It’s mama’s choice.

Okay it’s 0200 and she won’t even lay down for more than a couple of minutes. I’m tagging her dad in. We clearly need the big guns.

Two hours later? Yeah, she didn’t sleep in her bed that night.