School Pick Up Chaos (Yeah, the line is really THAT bananas!)

Kelli Wilson

I had heard all of the horror stories concerning the school car pick up line. But surely these were exaggerated tales from burnt-out parents who were simply blowing things out of proportion in their frazzled state…right? WRONG. If you have not yet experienced the living hell which is car pick up, let me give you a run down and maybe a few pointers.

If you want to be driving your kid home within 10 minutes of school release, you must be at the school ONE HOUR before said release. Because tenacious Tom, perfectionist Paula, overachiever Olivia and about 58 other parents MUST be first in line, so they will wait that hour each and every day so that they will be one of the first ones out. And they WILL look at you with that neener-neener-neener smirk, and you will glare back at them with all of the ferociousness that you can muster.

What do you do while you wait out that god-awful hour? You die a slow and painful death. Everything you could be doing or would rather be doing will envelop your thoughts, mocking your punk ass. Sometimes you will sit and curse every one of those damn parents that are sitting in front of the line while they sit there, noses up, looking down on you and all of the other parents that don’t love their kids as much as they love theirs. Sometimes you ugly cry and blubber out, “Why meeeeee?” at the top of your lungs. Sometimes you just sit and stare, comatose, into the void that is now your life.

When you finally do get to the pick-up area, do not dawdle. Make sure your kid knows that they must not run but fucking SPRINT out to the car. Have the door open and ready, and I would suggest having them dive head first into the open door. That way they can maybe start putting their seat belt on before you are aggressively shooed on by the car line police. And, god forbid, you make the person behind you have to wait 1/1000th of a second longer than they have to. They WILL let you know with blaring of horns and maybe even an expletive or two.

On a positive note, I’m sure there are other things that are worse than car pick-up line….but, I just can’t think of anything. So I am sending solidarity to all of you who are faced with this tenth and final circle of hell. Stay strong, my friends.

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