Reflections on my first Marriage
January 4th, 2014, my life came crashing down. I was two days away from starting my final semester of Graphic Communication and my husband sat down across from me and told me he didn’t love me anymore. We’d been having...issues, I guess, for a few months leading up to that; and by issues I mean he wouldn’t talk to me and I was working full time hours plus was in school full time so I kinda just needed him to be a fucking adult and communicate.
The actual conversation went sort of like this:
Him: Can we talk?
Me: Yes, please!
H: I’m not really sure where to start.
M: Well, I feel like there’s a wall that’s gone up between us and I’m not sure how to bring it down.
H: I don’t love you anymore.
The remainder of that conversation is a bit hazy, as the man I thought I was spending the rest of my life with had just smashed that idea to bits.
He wasn’t around much during my final semester, which I got through with pretty banging grades considering. I didn’t really tell anyone at first either. I told my best friend that night because I needed to tell someone. But I didn’t tell my parents for about a month. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I drank a lot of wine and watched a lot of Netflix; but once I did tell my friends, they were supportive af.
I moved out after graduating (he did offer to let me keep the apartment, but we were renting from his grandmother, and it was the opposite side of the city from my workplace); and besides meeting up to get the actual divorce certificate and take him off my vehicle registration, I haven’t seen him.
Which brings me to now. Five years after all that went down. I have an amazing husband that actually communicates (huzzah!), gets my nerdiness, and for my birthday the first year we were together, made me a stained glass TARDIS. We have a beautiful daughter who is turning one in a month’s time (for the record, before my first marriage went to shit I’d been debating whether I even wanted kids. Turns out that decision depends a lot on one’s partner).
I also have two businesses, which I can actually really start to grow now that I’m off maternity leave. I had started knitting shortly before Max (current husband) and I got together, and now I’m designing knitted garment patterns. I also do graphic design (thanks to my schooling) and if I do say so myself, am pretty stellar at turning drawings into vector artwork.
Some days I feel down on myself and my skills, because I do the thing you shouldn’t do and compare myself to my peers. But then I stop and realize that I have come so much further than I could have thought possible that night five years ago when I thought I would never love again and that I was destined to be alone.
The point—or moral or what have you—of this is to tell you that it can and will get better. You may be in a very dark place right now, and it may seem hopeless, but it’s not. I don’t know your situation but I would like to think that with the help of this magazine, you find someone to reach out to, to help you make it to that day down the road when everything’s alright, and today feels like another life.