The War on Christmas Continues...we're looking at you, Starbucks.
The date is November 30th, 2018 as I pull out our decorations. Here we are, prepared for another bloody and tinsel-fueled battle over our beloved season. I will bravely fight this war in honor of our general, Bill O’Reilly, who nobly informed us all of this plight in the fall of 2004. As a dutiful soldier, I have been on the front lines ever since that fateful season! Nothing gives me more joy than knowing I am serving a cause that is noble and worth fighting for. I will die by tinsel grenade before telling anyone anything but Merry Christmas!
I correct those who dare utter the words “Happy Holidays” (it disgusts me to even write it). I submit Yelp reviews to help other real Americans understand where traitors are employed, the ones who go around besmirching our sacred time with their “inclusive” nonsense. I yell at cashiers that this is Christ’s holiday. Last year was a real crisis, as I ran out of CHRISTMAS ornaments to throw at “people” entering Starbucks. While I am at it, those red cups don’t symbolize Christmas, they are a subtle call from the devil. I will be damned if I allow my fellow citizens to fall prey to their antics. Rebuke Starbucks NOW! (Santa, I only say “damned” out of passion, and I hope you can forgive me!)
I know some of you will say the battle has been won. During his campaign, Trump stated, "If I become president, we're going to be saying Merry Christmas at every store." But this promise has fallen flat, and I know the elves are weeping as they make toys this year. He even went as far as to declare this war over, saying, “We can now, proudly, say Merry Christmas again.”
How can this be? Have you seen Starbucks’ cup design for this year? Have you? Please take a look and then tell me again that this is over. Far from it!
This is a flat out lie and I am so distraught I can’t even think straight. I have been snorting candy canes out of desperation, ever since I was barred from my daughter’s “Holiday Celebration” this year. Apparently, yelling “it’s Christmas, you bloody wankers!!”—when they started singing the Bing Crosby farce that is “Happy Holidays”—was “inappropriate.”
They also said it was disgusting to scream at children that are singing. In my mind, if you sing a song against Christmas, you are not a child. You are now a soldier on the other side, and you must be confronted. They are just lucky that I didn’t start chucking candy canes at their ungrateful little faces. Come to think of it, I might just show up this year with a surprise for these heathens. Oh yes, get ready for some Christmas cheer courtesy of a true patriot.
Friends, load your holsters with candy canes, paint your faces with icing and get ready. This war is far from over. If you need a care package filled with candy cane nerf guns, tinsel grenades, or
Christmas ornaments please email me at the address below.
-Your fellow Christmas Warrior