I'll Fold a Fitted Sheet When Cars Fly

Erma Pittsy

If there is one thing I have discovered as I prepare to welcome in another year of raising kids and caring for my aging parents, it’s this: though my village is relatively small, our demands are few. You can keep your auld acquaintances, here is a list of things this Sandwich Generation Mama would like 2018 to take on its way out:

Completely Useless Mom Hacks: I have a toddler who figured out how to shuck his diaper off in one fell swoop regardless of what kind of corn possessed horror is lurking inside of it, and a Dad who regularly wanders into my bedroom accidentally at three o’clock in the morning and sits down on my bed. Wrinkle free fitted sheets are the absolute least of my worries right now. I’ve actually never even felt the need to fold one in the entire almost thirty nine years I’ve occupied this planet honestly. In fact, all of the ones I own are rolled up into a ball of regret on my linen closet shelf just like the good Lord intended. I’m fairly confident if they were meant to be put away neatly creased in the first place, they would have been born with corners.

Overly Complicated Baby Gear: My nineteen month old can pluck the Safety First plugs right out of the outlet, open AND close the child proof door lever locks, ALL while simultaneously successfully removing the battery cover off the TV remote control. You know what he cannot do? Sip a single drop of liquid out of those miracle cups. And I would be willing to bet the balance of his college savings plan that you can’t either.* Of course it is “spill proof.” One cannot actually spill what one cannot drink.

Toys With No Physical Off Switches: My Proscan flat screen TV will automatically shut down on its own after about thirty seconds of inactivity, which is about sixteen minutes and one four letter word faster than it takes me to locate the remote control, which my toddler took the batteries out of earlier after he removed the cover. Don’t even tell me they can’t manufacture a toy that can be turned both on AND off. It’s bad enough that my generation doesn’t have the flying car that Marty McFly and Doc Brown promised us, don’t disappoint us on this too.

Restaurants Without Changing Tables: Cars are officially being manufactured with the ability to auto-correct back into your lane when you get too close to the fog line, and yet there are still restaurants without changing tables in their public restrooms. You know what happens if my baby has a blowout in your restaurant and there is no changing table in the bathroom? I have to use the sink. Not sure how the health inspector is going to feel when she walks into the lady’s room to find my toddler standing ankle deep in Willy Wonka chocolate river water because there wasn’t anywhere else for me to exorcise those particular demons?

*Jokes on you. He’s the third baby so he doesn’t even have a college savings plan. I will however, give you one Proscan flat screen TV remote control that’s been missing the cover for the last six months if you can teach him how to drink out of that blasted cup.