5 Things You Need to Know About Sex After Kids
written by Kelli Wilson
1. On average you will have exactly two minutes and 36 seconds before a kid will either need their ass wiped, or injure themselves and then insist on a very specific character Band-aid that you do not have. SO GET IT DONE.
2. You will suddenly be forced to carry out the task with little-to-no noises emanating from either you or your partner. At most you will have to slowly release any pent-up excitement through pursed lips. Just think of the sound a balloon makes when you slowly deflate it.
3. Quickies behind locked bathroom doors are a convenient way to get some in during the day. If a kid knocks on the door demanding to be let in, just yell, "hold on! Mommy's going poop and Daddy is getting in the shower!" There is a 50/50 chance they will leave. If not, get your ass on that toilet, Mommy.
4. That oh-so-sexy Victoria's Secret hot pink leopard print lace nightie is now the faded, stretched out alma mater T-shirt with a mysterious stain on the front that you have been wearing for two days now. Get into it.
5. People who have given birth are allowed what I like to call the "we can have sex if and only if I can just lie here and not move a goddamn muscle because I am fucking tired, asshole" type sex. It is totally a thing.